Fiftypluskiwi

If we seek something, that same thing is seeking us. [Paulo Coelho]

For as long as I can remember I have experienced unexplained feelings of dissatisfaction – a longing for something more? It’s a relentless gnawing – the persistent never-ending hum of yearning that does not abate.  An internal silence, so paradoxically loud.  It breathes the very air I breathe, dines with me at night, then joins me again for breakfast and lunch. I cannot remember my life without this yearning.

I became a master at suppressing the yearning. The noise of ‘busy’, the hustle and bustle of the outside world helped drown out the cacophony of yearning, masking the empty hollow ache of my inside world.   Like a robot, I moved rapidly from one of life’s events to the other.  The image I presented to the world took 100% of my time but mostly portrayed nothing of me on the inside where the yearning existed. When you live a lie, you live other people’s dreams, views and expectations – that was me.

In her book, Watching the Tree, author, Adeline Yen Mah says, “… change is the only constant. To that I will add also the universal human yearning for truth and wisdom.”  I never quite know whether to use the term ‘fortunately’ or ‘unfortunately’, but the yearning, or longing for truth and wisdom, seems to be the road I travel. And that’s what this blog is about – documenting my journey, exploring what lies behind the yearning, lessons learned from it and making peace with it. My journey of self-discovery.

‘If we seek something, that same thing is seeking us’. [Paulo Coelho.] I’m a great spasmodic journal writer with several half-finished diary’s, exercise books and note pads lying about filled with my innermost and intimate thoughts. I also write down quotes that make my heart flutter – as though they were written just for me – creating that ‘OH WOW’ moment within.  This is one of those quotes that seems to have anchored itself to the yearning. That what lies within the yearning, is also seeking me. Knowing this is somehow comforting giving me the courage to explore, discover and shed the shackles. To trust in the process of unravelling and relish the moments when understanding reveals itself and heals.

Does the yearning subside? I don’t know. It hasn’t so far, and I’ve been on this path for a few years now. What I can tell you is, facing the yearning is very much an ‘inside out’ journey. Swiss Psychiatrist, Carl Jung describes what can happen in this inside space beautifully.
‘Who looks outside dreams.
Who looks inside, awakens.’

Thanks for reading