Tag Archives: mind

What matters most, are matters of the …

Always, as a year ends, my reflective nature hurtles into melancholic overdrive. 2019 was no different. But this time the melancholy felt stronger; a touch of disappointment, a niggle flirted the fringes of my spiritual quest. Have you ever been told a joke that everyone else gets but you don’t? That’s what my niggle felt like. Something I should know but didn’t. The yearning and longing still taunted my spiritual life.

I sat in my room flipping through pages of my old journals. Thirty-six years of journal writing; pages filled with words and pictures articulating my dreams, desires and heartaches. I couldn’t help but notice my first entry, in what was my first attempt at journal writing. Dated 6 July 1983, it reads:

‘My pen will be a mouthpiece for my unspoken thoughts – let it write what my heart begs to share about you, but what my tongue fails to do.’

What a journey it has been. There’s some wisdom in the saying, ‘Be careful what you wish for’. Yes, these words still dance their dance in my heart with a passion. Perhaps more than they did all those years ago.  But am I the same person? No! Definitely not! Those words were written by someone who had absolutely no idea about life – life in the body, mind or spirit. Someone who thought they knew all the answers, someone who knew exactly how ‘God’ thought, what everyone should believe, and how everyone should behave.  When, in fact, I knew absolutely NOTHING! I was too wrapped up in me, my and mine – the ego.

Feeling fed up with my melancholy, I headed outdoors for a run. But I couldn’t quite shake off what was bothering me. I stopped running to focus on some yoga breathing. As my breathing quietened it occurred to me not once had I been alert to the present moment – my beautiful coastal surroundings, the birds, the waves, dogs playing, people laughing, the breeze on my skin, the freedom of movement, had escaped me. I had been too busy wallowing. I stood and breathed in the stillness of the moment – allowing myself to just be. I felt an immense overpowering sense of gratitude. Thankful for all I could see, all I could do, and thankful for who I was. I somehow just knew everything was as it should be.

When I made that first journal entry all those years ago, I gave no thought to the possibility of an answer, but I can tell you this; I went to places I never planned or knew existed –both exquisitely beautiful and exquisitely painful places.  But somehow, along the way, I found answers to questions I didn’t know I was asking. As I moved out of the head and into the heart, I discovered that every breath I breathe, every happy, sad, shameful, hurtful, loving, painful moment experienced, and will continue to experience, every single step was, and is, meant to be.  All are forerunners to discovering what matters most.

A few days later I received notification from our local library. A book I had put on hold some time ago was now ready for collection. A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle, had been recommended to me by a friend. I don’t believe in coincidences because I don’t believe that positive and life-altering moments happen through chance or luck. Let me tell you, A New Earth is full of life-altering moments. Among his many whispers of wisdom Tolle writes:

‘You are a human being. What does that mean? Mastery of life is not a question of control, but of finding a balance between human and Being. Mother, father, husband, wife, young, old, the roles you play, the functions you fulfill, whatever you do – all that belongs in the human dimension. It has its place and needs to be honoured, but in itself, it is not enough for a fulfilled, truly meaningful relationship or life. Human alone is never enough, no matter how hard you try or what you achieve. Then there is Being. It is found in the still, alert presence of Consciousness itself, the Consciousness that you are. Human is form. Being is formless. Human and Being are not separate but interwoven.’

I stared at the words. Read, reread, wrote them down. When I opened myself up to the conscious present moment a few days earlier on my run, something happened to prepare me to understand the second event. I understood then that my yearning was something that belonged to the past or a wanting for something in the future, in the Human dimension. But the present moment is all there is, not past or future.  That is where Being is found – in the stillness of NOW. Can you feel it?

The niggle, the ‘something I should know but I didn’t’ fell into place. The dots connected. It literally felt like the cogs of an ancient machine had slipped into place. The yearning faded away.
We spend a lot of time planning, thinking, sorting, fixing what our mind is telling us to do, but Tolle says the joy of Being can only be felt when you get out of your head.

‘Being can’t be thought, it can only be felt,’ he says.

And that, my friends, is a matter for the heart.
Yes! I think what matters most, are matters of the heart.
Happy New Year.

That damned ego

There’s a saying in yoga circles; ‘leave your ego at the door before you enter’.

I wish I had known this pearl of wisdom before I attempted my first yoga session. Having come from a running background I felt certain my ‘fitness level’ would serve me well for a simple yoga class.

My fellow yogis consisted of men and woman of all age, size, ability and disability. I could feel my competitive nature shift into gear as our instructor moved us into our first exercise, a standing forward fold or, more commonly known as, ‘touching your toes’.  ‘Poof!’ ‘Just how hard could this be,’ I thought.

As it turned out, very hard indeed.  My toes? I could barely touch my thighs! Muscles that served me so well in running, refused to budge. Legs wobbled like a pneumatic drill as they tried, and failed, to balance without the other. I felt like the human version of gobbledygook.

Finally, the soothing tones of the instructor led us into, ‘Savasana’, a lying down resting position. ‘Let us empty our minds,’ she crooned. At that point my eyes flew open. My mind revved into high gear, screeching and chattering with inane, pointless, non-productive mind chatter. I walked out of my first yoga ‘beginners’ class nursing an aching body and a sorely bruised ego.

 

The dictionary describes the ego as, ‘a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance.’  It is who I think I am, not who I really am. If I were to give my ego a physical description, I would liken it to a photo filter – a layer that slides over me, making me appear, better and greater than I really am. It turns out I have many of these layers. They fit so perfectly it is difficult to recognize the true me underneath them all.

There is nothing wrong with aspiring to become the hero of your dreams. Confidence is healthy. It’s the ego that is destructive as it begins to grow and take control of our life and our thoughts.

Having and ego is not the same as having confidence. When you have confidence, you have faith in your own abilities and believe in yourself, says writer, Cy Wakeman.

“But the ego is something else, entirely. Unlike confidence, the ego operates out of self-interest. It seeks approval, accolades and validation at all costs in order to be seen as “right…”. Confidence vs Ego

I read somewhere that a bad day for your ego is a good day for your soul.  I’ve had an awful lot of bad days if I’m to be honest. About ten years ago my personal unhappiness threatened to annihilate me. When I tried to ignore or run from my unhappiness, I would run smack bang into myself.  For the first time in my life I started to ask: Who am I? Why am I?  So much time had been invested in creating me from the ‘outside in’, I had given no thought to my ‘inside out’. I did not consider my spirit needed attention at all. A mid-life crisis? A break-down? Yes, probably both of those; but more than anything, it was my moment of reckoning. I did not know who I was.

When the ego clashes with the soul, life can get messy. Eventually I landed in a place I didn’t expect. I had to look within. And I didn’t really know how to access that part of me. But as I unraveled the messes of my life from the inside-out, I could see how my ego had been crafted from the tendrils of my past. The ego is constructed from past life experiences. It disguises fear, anxiety and loneliness with grandiose masks of self-importance.

It’s easy to delete the layers of filters on your phone. But to be laid bare without those layers in real life, takes courage. The ego does not want you to know your true self. To embark on a journey of self-discovery is threatening to the ego. It takes a lot of personal work to discover who you are, and not to be enticed by the illusions of the ego.

I am not my ego. But sometimes I still feel like I have an inbuilt default button, that overrides all commonsense and spiritual sensibility. It can happen in a split second and I find myself responding or behaving in a way that is not truly me. Like my yoga class; given that I have years of health of fitness knowledge, why did I think I could partake in my first yoga class believing I would be better than anyone else? The real me knows this is not possible. The answer is simple – it was my ego!

That damned ego!